Teenage Heartbreak
Written By: Francesco Rizzo-Duffy LMFT, LCADC
May 6, 2021
Love is a psychological and physiological experience. When that special someone is near or even thought of your body and mind has a reaction. Love has its moments of happy euphoria, but also may include feelings of rising tension and nerves, fluttering heartbeat, clammy hands, rosy cheeks, feeling shaky, or having “word vomit”. You might experience the classic “butterflies in the stomach” feeling, often confused with anxiety or excitement. These are just a few of the most common physiological changes associated with experiencing love. On the other hand, psychologically, one may also experience changes in their eating or sleeping routines. For example, you may find yourself tossing and turning thinking about that special person, asking yourself if they feel the same way about you, or when you will see them next, or replaying past interactions with them in your mind. With eating, when people are fixated on a specific issue, task, or circumstance, food is not always on the top of the priority list. Especially if those butterflies in your stomach are making you nauseous, food might be the last thing on your mind. Another clue that love is playing a role in a change in one’s psychological experience is because when you experience intense love, parts of your brain responsible for helping humans become conscious of danger (amygdala) and decision making (the frontal lobe) become less sensitive, potentially leading us to unhealthy or even toxic situations and relationships.
During a time of “heartbreak” you may notice a change in appetite, decreased motivation, fluctuation in weight, headaches, digestive upset, and overall sense of being unwell. Grieving the loss of a relationship while struggling with any of the symptoms of heartbreak can feel like a challenging balance. Depression, anxiety, and withdrawal from friends, family, and usual activities are some of the most common emotional reactions to heartache after a breakup. Staying active even when you don’t want to, maintaining proper eating habits, and engaging with the people in your social circle can help minimize the risks of ill health due to a breakup – all while you are giving your mind and body time to heal (heartbreaks only “medicine”).
Feelings of passion or attraction are universally inevitable at some point in one’s life. Even in cultures where people are not allowed to act on or express these feelings, they’re still there. It’s the organic human ability to develop romantic feelings and sexual attractions to others. At first, these feelings may feel really exciting or perhaps even confusing at first. These new feelings can be exciting — or even confusing at first. Teenage love is unique because adolescence is a time when we instinctively seek lots of different experiences and try out different things. This is a normal process while we discover who we are, what our values are, and what we desire for our lives. Naturally, this means those relationships during that time in our lives are likely to be short term because commitment is not typically the most important part of a relationship for teens as attraction and closeness. Relationships as a teen are much different because as we get older, we start to prioritize how much value a person’s inner qualities vs. relying on physical attraction only. A huge part of going to school is “fitting in,” therefore teens may be more inclined to choose a partner based not on their desire for their lover, but based on the pressure to have a relationship because all their friends do.
The media, including: movies, tv shows, and even magazines, portray love and relationships to be this easily maintained fairytale type of phenomena. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I talk to couples every day about where they got their original concept of relationships and marriage – and I can say that nearly every single couple has or had this notion that relationships should just be easy like in the movies. I hate to break it to you, but there is no such thing as the “perfect partner” or what we like to call a soul mate. If you are holding off on dating because you are waiting for that person, or you give up on a relationship easily because things get hard, unfortunately the fact is, you will likely never find someone that matches every single one of your choices and views. The person that checks every single box simply does not exist. Love and relationships are about sharing your life with someone who you enjoy. You don’t have to agree on everything, and there might be some ruptures as life brings us challenges. What’s most important is that if you love someone, you will make the repairs necessary to reconnect and move forward, together.
Relationships — whether they last 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or a lifetime — are all opportunities to experience love on its many different levels. When we experience romantic love, we allow ourselves the opportunity to learn how to love as well as to be loved. Romance allows us to discover who we are as we share with another person new to us. We discover what we value in ourselves as well as what we prefer in a partner. Loving relationships can help to teach us self-respect and respect for others. We learn to accept ourselves as we are and change things we want.
Heartbreak can be challenging to overcome, especially when it interferes with us physiologically and psychologically. Time is the healer of all heartbreak and things will feel better eventually. But while time is taking its sweet time, make sure you have a support system in place to get you through it. Get out of the house, put on a favorite playlist, exercise can help as well. For healing to take place, it is important to allow space for grieving the loss of a relationship. It’s okay to allow yourself to process and feel it. Reach out to your support system (friends, family, or a therapist) to help you through this challenging time and know that no matter how terrible it feels in the moment, that you will be okay and get through this.
